A Spectrum of Shyness

A spectrum of shyness often leads to communication apprehension and is far more than the first stage fright frequently found in speech classrooms, school assemblies, and drama productions. It is a pattern of anxiety, established often in the elementary grades, which can profoundly affect much or all of a student's oral communication, social skills, and self-esteem. Communication apprehension (CA) has been defined as an "individual level of fear or anxiety associated with either real or anticipated communication with another person or persons" (McCroskey, 1977). Communication anxiety can be situational rather than pervasive in a child's behavior. "A tendency to be anxious when communicating may be specific to only a few settings (e.g., public speaking) or may exist in most everyday communication situations, or may even be part of a general anxiety trait that arises in many facets of an individual's life" (Friedman, 1980). Much research has dealt with CA in terms of a personality trait, but more recently the ideal of CA has expanded to include both trait and situation views.

General personality traits such as quietness, shyness, and reticence frequently precipitate CA. When the ability and desire to participate in discussion are present, but the process of verbalizing is inhibited, shyness or reticence is occurring. The degree of shyness, or range of situations that it affects, varies greatly from individual to individual. The following are expressed symptoms of shyness.
Normal Shyness;
You are jittery beginning a public speech, but afterward you are glad you did it.
Your mind goes blank on a first date, but eventually you relax and find things to talk
about.
Your palms sweat in a job interview, but you ask and answer thoughtful questions.
Extreme Shyness;
You clam up and your heart races when you know people are looking at you.
You tremble when speaking up at a meeting, even if it is only to say your name.
You avoid starting conversations for fear of saying something awkward.
Social Anxiety;
You will do anything; even skip work, to avoid being introduced to new people.
You have trouble swallowing in public, making it hard to dine out or go to parties.
You feel you never make a good impression and that you are a social failure.
Severe Social Anxiety;
You are free of nervousness only when alone, and you can barely leave the house.
You constantly worry about being embarrassed or humiliated by others.
The truth of the matter is, whether we like it or not, we need to learn how to make things easy for other people. We are more likely to get to know people who make it easy for us to get to know them than people who put obstacles in our way. It doesn't matter if one person is as nice as another person, as kind as another person, as bright as another person or even has as much in common with us as another person. The person who makes it easier for us to get to know him or her will be the person we are more likely to get to know. A solution option to shyness is focus. Focus is the way we use our minds; our beliefs, what we are thinking about, and the language we use inside our heads to describe things to ourselves. Peaking with confidence is important, and it is achievable. The first thing one can do in order to help confidence is to fall in love with the audience, not your materials and your message. Many people make the mistake of giving a speech thinking that they have to say everything they planned on, and have to fit every detail of their speech. If you know that you're running out of time or that your audience isn't interested, you want to adapt to them.

Additional steps one can take right now to overcome shyness which leads to communication apprehension include; identifying what makes you anxious about communicating, reflecting on where this comes from and begin to work through it, setting anxiety aside for a moment. Approach a person with whom you never really converse and say hi. If you don't like talking, you're in luck. Most people like talking about themselves, so just keep asking them questions but remember to let silence happen so you can listen. Have a business card ready so you can further the relationship by exchanging contact information. Assess the most appropriate communication medium: Should I add them on Face book for LinkedIn? Should I email them? Should I call them? Should I meet with them?

References:
Friedman, P. G. "Shyness and Reticence in Students." Washington, D.C.: National Education Association, 1980. Stock No. 1675-0-00. ED 181 520.
Harris, K. R. "The Sustained Effects of Cognitive Modification and Informed Teachers on Children's Communication Apprehension." COMMUNICATION QUARTERLY 28
(1980): 47-56.
McCroskey, J. C. "Quiet Children in the Classroom: On Helping Not Hurting." HUMAN COMMUNICATION RESEARCH 4 (1977): 78-96.

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Attraction in Close Friendships

To apply the lessons of attraction in close friendships, requires making a point of practicing the five relational maintenance behaviors—positivity, openness, assurances, social networks, and sharing tasks. To learn these lessons requires according to Floyd (2011) noting the difference between physical, social, and task attraction. Close friendships always include one or more forms of interpersonal attraction. We might be attracted to someone's personality. We might find the person physically attractive. We might also be drawn to someone as a work partner. Close friends are those few people we share close, caring and trusting relationships characterized by a high degree of commitment, trust, interdependence, disclosure and enjoyment. With close friends, we show commitment by pledging ourselves and our time to each other. We show trust by having positive expectations of the other person and believing that he or she will behave fairly and honestly.

Social Attraction
___ I find this person easy to be around.
___ I really enjoy his or her personality.
___ We get along really well with each other.
___ He or she is the kind of person I like to spend time with.

Physical Attraction
___ I think this person is good looking.
___ He or she has a nice appearance.
___ Most people would find this person physically attractive.
___ This person has a nice look.

Task Attraction
___ This person would be fun to work with.
_-_ I can always count on this person.
___ I would enjoy studying with this person.
___ This person is very dependable.
Friends provide a lot more than just a sense of belonging and reliable alliance. They also provide necessary anchor points for opinions, beliefs and emotional responses. Another additional function healthy freindship provide is a place for communication to occur; communication about anything, not just important events but also trivial stuff as well as personal intimate details about oneself. Friends increase our self esteem by attending to what we do, listening, asking our advice, and generally acting in ways that indicate the value they place on our opinions.

Appropriate communication and behavior within friendships includes; showing support, seeking support, respecting privacy, keeping confidences, defending friends, avoiding public criticism, making friends happy, managing jealousy, sharing humor and maintaining equity. Friends also conscientiously repay debts, return favors, and keep the exchange of gifts and compliments balanced. For friendships to develop and continue, some key behaviors are initiation, responsiveness, self disclosure and emotional support. We need friends to keep us healthy both physically and mentally.
Reference: Floyd, K. (2011). Communication Matters. New York: McGraw Hill.

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Surprise...!

It is always a rush. Planning a surprise is an exciting event for both the person who plans it and the one who it's intended for. The first rule to any surprise celebration is that it should be kept top secret until the given day. This signifies its importance and fulfills its proper role. It wouldn't be much of a surprise if the guest of honor was in on it. Therefore we must practice diligence.

There are no rules for pulling off a great surprise. In this game you follow your gut, take a chance and hope for the best. A sincere reaction is what drives us to do the impossible and depending on the mark, a small token can go a long way. We learn early in our childhood that there is nothing better than giving mom a fold over note on a special occasion. She would love the details unconditionally, even how we misspelled - momm - across the paper. Yeah, she thought that was adorable and though we've learned how to spell mom correctly by now, she still cries when she reads that word over and over again. Those were the days, when a poor attempt won the same amount of affection as a piece of jewelry from dad. We couldn't lose. Nothing beats the emotional power that a personalized note creates.

Time inevitably continues, we grow older, form new relationships and discover that the rules have suddenly changed. Let's be honest here. Mom will always be our number one girl that is certain. She will always love us. The fact is bad spelling only got us so far. We need to play a different game, one that guarantees a win. O.k. - enough with the sports analogies, so what makes a great surprise? Well, I am glad you asked. Here are three rules, more like tricks of the trade, on becoming a master at the art of the surprise.

1. Be spontaneous. Throw away the calendar. Important dates like birthdays and anniversaries are covered, so think out of the box. Remember, Monday is just as important as any other day.

2. Most times an inexpensive gift makes the strongest impact – if you don't want to break the bank – then why not give a fold over note. Years from now, this gesture will mean even more, just wait and see.

3. Personalize your note. Every word is significant, so let's be creative here. Take some time and give it some thought. Don't be afraid to spill your guts. A sappy message is supposed to sound like that.

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Every Woman Needs a Friend That…

We all need a friend who we know compliments who we are and there are certain things that every woman needs to have in a friend. The moment we connect with someone it is because we are comfortable and see a trait in them that reminds of us of ourselves. We need to find something that connects us to each other. What should we be looking for?

• She should be able to tell you the truth regardless of your temporary moment of denial. We all need someone to tell us when we are acting outside of ourselves or be honest about the ugly dress that we thought was just too cute to pass up. We need her.
• She should be loyal. She will be there when all is well and when all falls down. She will not throw you under the bus to make herself look good nor will she betray your friendship at any cost. She will be there no matter what. We need her.
• She should be able to listen to how you feel without judgment. Being judgmental and being honest is two totally different things and she will know the difference. Even if she thinks you are making a huge mistake she will offer sound advice, not tear you down with a judgmental tone. We need this girl.
• She should love you unconditionally. She will love you beyond a friendship, she will love you with her heart, so much that she will not let harm come your way. She will protect you from messy women who don't know you, she won't front you off for another friendship, she will treasure your friendship in cherish its uniqueness. She doesn't pit you against her other friends, you possess a piece of her life that is sacred to her; she needs you just as much as you need her. We love her.
• She should be able to support you. If you are ready for a change, she wants to do what to do to get you there, she sacrifices her time to help you, she motivates you to be the best you can be and she is there to celebrate your successes. We need her.

We all need a friend who is happy to friends with you and not feel like it's a chore. Friendships should be fun and easy to maintain. The reality is that they're not always manageable. As with any relationship they require work and time. We get to know each other over time, we grow together with time, and we become more solid with time. Each friendship we cultivate should be a learning experience. We should become better with each passing day from what we gain from our friendships. Know what type of friends you have in your corner and treat them like gold, true friendships are hard to find and keep, so hold on to the ones that are genuine.

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Love is like a Dance

Author: Olga Alexandra Nunn

Every person in their life is looking for his/her dance.

For some, it's a tango, for others it's a waltz where your head is just spinning from the happiness all your life and the smile never lives your face.

Some, on the contrary, are afraid to dance. Fear that they will step on someone's foot or someone steps on theirs or they drop their partner and forget to lift them up.

For many, dance slows down and goes into what we commonly call a habit. It feels as if you have no guts to learn a new dance and trying to criticise your partner for not dancing.

Maybe some of you had several of these dances, and each of them began to irritate with time, sooner or later you became bored circling in one place and soon started to slow down.

The same feeling is day after day, listening to the same disk, where someone turns it on every single morning.
Then suddenly you have an ear for music, and you perfectly understand that the world has at least one person who can understand you.

Eventually you realize that you do not have enough of bright music, and what you want is to dance every time differently, sometimes you just want to dance on your own or you want to just lead, sometimes quickly and sometimes slow, and certainly you don't want to teach your partner all the time how to dance.
Sometimes you just want to learn and admire your dance partner. Then you think you found your partner because you can feel your dance together.

Sometimes you admire this dance where you can lead or where the dance leads you both. Dancing together is not boring and monotonous.

Sometimes its waltz and a bit of tango, blues, rock n roll, disco, or the usual slow one, when you feel the breath of warmth and the smell of your partner, who holds you tight with his/her hand in yours.
And for some reason it seems that it is with this man or a woman, you never get bored dancing!
So keep on dancing and change you dance routine but not your dance partners so as it doesn't turn into the habit that eventually will become boring too.

Be creative with your dancing but make sure that each time there is a sound of love in your music!

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